ChrissyPoo

As the light softens and the shadows lengthen, I am transported back to a time of magic and joy.  Memories of carving pumpkins with Ang and Laur, mom in her robe baking pumpkin seeds with tons of salt, dad with the lunky old VHS video camera recording the fun, Mindy scampering around waiting for nasty pumpkin guts to fall on the floor (Mindy was the dog, not another kid), Simon and Garfunkel playing in the background.  I remember being mesmerized by the huge full harvest moon,  smelling the crisp wet fall leaves, falling in love with God’s color palette, feeling God’s presence so deeply and assuredly.  Fall is my favorite time of the year.

I start college today.  Or re-start, I guess.  20 years ago I entered Cal Poly with a 4.23 GPA, and 17 years ago I dropped out with a 1.84.  My addiction found college to be fertile soil for planting deep roots, and my self-esteem plummeted right along with my GPA. 

Today, I am starting again.  I am making an amends to myself by taking on this challenge.  I have worked hard to build a foundation of recovery over the past 4 plus years, and feel very ready to add this new opportunity into my life.  God’s blessings are overwhelming me, and although I am scared, I am also really excited.  Once I wade through the old insecurities and reach my center, I get confirmation of what I already know…I will kick college’s butt.

July 2005.  Alone.  Empty.  Beaten.  Bruised.  Loaded.  Purposeless.  Hopeless.  Helpless.  Powerless.  Esteemless.  Worthless.  On disability, in my apartment, only leaving for beer or pills.  Phone unplugged, blinds drawn, 6 channels of TV on constantly.  Dishes undone, piles of clothes everywhere, unshowered, teeth unbrushed.  Dirty on the outside, dirty on the inside.  Reading books about God.  Know He’s there and loves me.  Know I’m not and don’t.

January 2006.  Alone in the bedroom at mom and dad’s, in the middle of nowhere.  Dragging ass out of bed right before dad gets home for lunch to look busy and avoid getting yelled at.  Miserable.  Numb.  Not enough pills, pot or booze in the universe to fill the emptiness.  Desperately hoping the beauty of the forest around me will help alleviate the ugliness inside.  Eating dinner together in front of the TV each night.  Mom and dad are silent, she is about to move out.  Everyone suffering in silent pain.  The misery is crushing.  I can’t pretend anymore.  I am broken.

February 2^nd, 2006. The note is written because the words won’t come.  “I need help.”  The fires of shame consume the shell of a person that remains.  The Spirit douses the flames with the waters of humility.  I am nothing but a pile of wet, gray ashes.  God’s greatest opportunity.

February 2006.  The chemicals have left my body, kicking and screaming.  I haven’t slept in 8 days.  I have pulled out hair and scratched off skin.  I feel crazy.  But I feel.  I am a blank slate, an empty page.  I’m raw, naked, and vulnerable.

March 2006.  I take suggestions.  I go to meetings.  I get a sponsor.  I start working the program of NA.  I cling to my friends in early recovery.  I am terrified.  I am confused.  I am uncomfortable.  I doubt that I can do this.  I hate myself passionately.  I move into an SLE with other people in recovery.  I have never been so grateful to have a bed and a chore.  I dust the living room with love and care.  I feel useful.

May 2006.  I get a job.  I cry all the way to work the first day.  I make it through the day and stay clean.  I feel capable.

June 2006.  Gabe and I get an apartment together.  I sit on the bed and cry.  I am overwhelmed with the idea that it’s all up to me now.  My time, my choices, my consequences.  I am afraid.  I adjust.  I stay clean.  I start enjoying hot bubble baths with classical music.  I feel less anxious.

August 2006.  My twin nieces are born.  I get to show up for them and my family and myself.  I feel grateful.

December 2006.  Depression hits.  Hard.  I am unprepared.  I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing, but depression doesn’t care.  I can’t get out of bed.  I am terrified that I will get loaded.  I don’t.  Instead, I force myself to go to a woman’s meeting, and I reach out.  It’s painful, uncomfortable, and I cry a lot.  I start calling people.  I go out for dinner after meetings.  I make friends.  I gain a support group.  I feel loved.

February 2007.  I celebrate one year clean.  I feel proud.

April 2007: I attend my first 11^th step spiritual retreat.  I meet new people and get to experience recovery in God’s green world.  It’s still my favorite NA event.  I feel safe and connected.

June 2007.  I get a new job.  I decide I deserve a more positive working environment and realize I can choose to change that, so I do.  (I still have that job today, three years later.  Longest I have ever had a job).  I feel worthy.

September 2007.  I start training as a CASA worker.  I feel called to do volunteer work with kids, and God leads me to Faith.  I feel honored.

April 2008.  Gabe has moved, I’m alone for the first time in recovery.  And I love it.  I miss him, but I know this is so healthy for me.  I feel empowered.

June 2008.  I start dating Josh.  We don’t move in together.  I feel like I might be cheating myself out of discovering myself without a man.  I am.

October 2008.  I move into a smaller but adorable apartment in the sunset with an ocean view and lots of light.  Just me and kitty.  I feel satisfied.

December 2008. Depression hits again.  Harder.  I decide to go on medication.  I feel defeated.

All of 2009. I don’t feel much of anything, except disconnected and pretty OK with that.  I get to do a lot of traveling with Josh, and have a good time.  I feel happy. 

February 2010. I go off medication.  I start to feel again.  It scares me but I like it.  I feel connected.

March 2010.  Josh and I break up.  It’s mutual.  I am not getting my needs met, he doesn’t feel for me what I feel for him, we are not growing together.  It hurts, but it’s the right thing to do.  I feel mature.

June 2010.  I start going back to church.  I sign up for connection classes.  I recommit my life to Christ.  I start reading the Bible everyday on a year-long reading plan.  I feel God’s grace.

July 2010.  I feel unfulfilled in my current job, and think I might want to go back to school.  I ask God where He would like me to serve.  I look into options.  Things happen quickly.  Details work themselves out.  I am starting an online BS in psych program at the University of Phoenix on July 27^th, and my work is paying part of it.  I will be able to keep my job, my apartment, my health insurance, and my sanity.  I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement as I watch the Lord work in my life.

Today:  From fire to ashes to beautiful creature of God.  I have risen from the depths of my self-created hell.  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. 

Welcome to Chrissypoo.com! My vision for this site is to share a part of myself with anyone who cares to read it. It might be in the form of a thought, a feeling, an opinion (and I have lots of those…), maybe a Bible verse, a recipe, a quote, a song, a poem, etc. Who knows what will come out? I hope you will stay tuned to find out!